Why is the ceremony of initiation so important?

When I was 13 my parents were divorcing, life was changing in all the ways, and I was stepping into the next phase of womanhood. My heart was hurting so deeply, no one was available to help me chart these new waters (or so it seemed), and that birthday felt like such a profound moment in my life. I invited all my friends from my old neighborhood to help me celebrate my new life at this new school as a newly christened teenager. I even baked this sumptuous chocolate cake with an experimental chocolate cherry sauce.

The night of my party came, and no one showed up. Not. One. Person.

I was devastated. Soon after that failed celebration would be my first suicide attempt.

The mark that night left on me would impact my life in untold ways for years to come. 

Fast forward a couple few decades. I was sitting in my therapist’s office, hashing something out, and she suggested I rewrite history. “Why not have an un-birthday party for your teenage self, and rewrite the script that you aren’t worth showing up for?” What a concept!

So, I did.

I chose the Spring Equinox to host a very merry Un-Birthday, invited all my girlfriends, and created a ceremony to initiate us all. We planted literal seeds with our intentions for the night. We shared our vulnerable stories with each other of how our transition from girlhood to womanhood actually went, and we ceremoniously crossed the Threshold of Maturity declaring what it is we are leaving behind, and what life it is we are choosing to step into.

Then, we ate chocolate cake ;)

In the West, our culture is seriously devoid of these initiatory celebrations, and in my ever humble opinion, that is detrimental to both our individual and collective psyches. Let’s take the Coming-of-Age ceremony, for instance. If we are never initiated into adulthood, and all that that means for our village, then we are forever in a state of limbo between the self-centered life of the child who has little or no responsibility to the larger world as yet, and the adult leader who has both responsibility and freedom to help create the world for those around him/her. We can act without the thought of impact or repercussion. When we act like this as an adult, whose actions actually do have impact on the world at large—not just for the moment, but for generations to come—the effects are sometimes hurtful and destructive.

I follow a popular astrologer who has been the Rockstar archetype of the astrological world. He and his wife practice an open marriage (at least, they did), and in his hay day he had groupies with whom he took advantage of his position, let’s say. Both were consenting parties, and still, things were messy.

When I heard the story of this dark shadow in a public person’s life coming out sideways for us all to see, it immediately spoke to me of the potency of ritualized initiation. Here was a man still acting as a child with his newfound power. The woman who told her story was also acting out of an uninitiated awareness for the power of her heat. They both gave consent for this act, she was not brutalized, but it was something that was also gross and sticky. Most sexually active adults have one or two of our own scenarios like this where we can empathize. Our sexuality is a gift of joy, and pleasure, and connection that comes with great responsibility—not just for the possibilities of parenthood, but also for the emotional impact that intimacy will inevitably result in. The painful aftermath of these situations is our initiation.

Instead, with a ceremonial initiation into the next phase of one’s life, we are surrounded by a community that sees us and supports us. We have elders present who have gone before, and who can help spell out for us what is to come. There is an explanation and celebration of the new life ahead; and there is a definitive marker for when you put away childish things so you can then grieve appropriately for what you are leaving behind. There is always a sacrifice when we level up. This is life. We must sacrifice all the privilege of having no accountability, in order to enjoy the full power of co-creation.

These initiations happen in life with or without the ceremony. When we create an intentional space for this movement to occur, we allow for consciousness to guide our path. We feel the impact of all that support for our journey. We can move forward from a place of power, bolstered by Love, knowing that we are not alone—others have gone before. We have a healthier relationship to sex and death. We can lead a life less governed by our subconscious drives, and more fully from a place of actual choice. We can be a little more freed up from our triggers.

Ritualized initiation helps humans Self-Actualize in a good way.

Ritualized initiation helps humans break the cycles of abuse and unconscious action.

Ritualized initiation might just help humans figure out how to be better participants in The Whole.

How have your initiations in life gone for you? Was your first menstruation celebrated? How about for men? Were your first facial hairs exciting, or humiliating? Was there celebration for this new era? What about pregnancies? Were you surrounded by friends and family who celebrated your changing body, who shared with the child-to-be how much they were wanted? Or, were circumstances less than ideal? And, what about grey hairs? Menopause? Becoming a grandparent? Was your position exalted? Is your wisdom respected, even wanted? Was there a celebration to mark the event? What has the impact been on your life and how you move about in the world?

I would love to hear from you!