Angry Woman

Woman made of fire

I was standing at the front of the room in front of about 50 people at the introduction for a relationship workshop when the teacher called me out for being angry. I was in shock. Hadn’t I just cracked a joke? How was he misreading the situation so acutely? There wasn’t anything in my response that a normal person would have interpreted as being angry, so why was he humiliating me in front of all these people?!

Then, our interaction was over. I went to take my seat amongst the crowd. A non-zero amount of folks proceeded to share about their own journeys with anger, and what a game changer it was for their relationships once they started dealing with it head-on. Excuse me?!

Well, this was elucidative. I did not think of myself as an Angry Woman. But, if so many people outside of me had taken note of my sharpness (read: wit), then maybe there was something to that. Over the next few days, I took it in. I would review my inner workings throughout my nine mile walk each day, and slowly I started to see what those folks were reflecting back to me. I started to feel all of the reasons each and every day that I was mad about. I also started to work through the shame that was welling up as I thawed out to my own feelings.

How could I have not known? How could I have allowed these things to happen? How many people had I unwittingly injured because of my unconscious feelings? And, how could I possibly feel anger but not act it out? What did that even mean?!

Thus began my conscious journey with anger.

I started by exploring that last question: How does one feel anger, but not act it out? It has been a long walk of opening myself up like a hollow bone and allowing it to flow. Once I cleared away the shame and judgment—once I stood firm in the conviction that I was allowed to feel this heat—then, I could hear its voice. Once I had the ears to hear, I could then pull apart what was mine and what was Other’s.

I have come to a point now, after many years, of knowing when I am angry and how to share what is needed in the moment to keep from getting violent with either my words or actions. But, I will keep going. This is still very much a work in progress.

Certainly, doing the work to get into right relationship with anger in my life has led to better relationships. But, in some cases, it has also led to the completion of relationships as the relationship with myself becomes more valued. After all, that is usually what our anger is protecting: our Self.

I don’t do this work with women’s rage because I have figured it out. I do it because I need it. I do it because the women I work with need it. I do it because I don’t want to pass along to my daughter all the abuse and self-harm that comes along with the inability to consciously feel anger, and the lack of knowledge around how to be with so much power.