Commitment & Consistency

First published to SFHouseMouse.com on 7/8/2015

Last week my roommate, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, and friend and fellow blogger—Miss D—invited us up to the boat house for some Full Moon intention setting. The Pleasure Course had just completed for the quarter, and the come-down had been a little rugged on my end. Commitment and Consistency seemed to be persistent themes, and were wreaking havoc in my life in order to be seen. I partially blame the stars for this crash, but also suppose I can turn to the tremendous openings of the course, and upcoming plunge deeper into partnership. For the past couple/few months we have all been on a text thread of support around health and wellness. We spent that day reconnecting and recommitting to our life’s intentions. While discussing those goals, I became aware of the many subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways I am denying the adrenal fatigue diagnosis, and what is necessary to heal. the ladies helped to point this out when I was talking about my hard core, super ego driven action plan, and agreed to support me in maintaining the consistency of my current commitments (i.e. *over-all* health, writing, and my upcoming marriage). Since that conversation, and since the Pleasure Course just before that, I have pondered the many ways the integrity of those two Cs impact my life.

Every day I rabidly research esoteric knowledge. The overwhelmingly consistent theme from any time, in any culture, is the god-like power of the human mind and emotions. The practice, say these ancient texts and New Age warriors, is daily meditation to clear and train the mind. In the past, I have put these skills to work in order to manifest the life I desire. Time and time again, I have proven the efficacy of these “tricks” to myself. Recently, however, I feel as though I have forgotten. When it comes to the healing of my body, and ultimately, my weight loss, I have tried everything from diet shifts, to exercise regimens, to calorie counting, to metabolic booster shots—and nothing has worked. I am at war with my body, and every action seems to reaffirm the idea that I am “fat” and “broken”. What I haven’t tried (until recently) is daily meditation. No matter how many of my favorite speakers give lectures on the power of this practice, I have said, “yeah, yeah, that sounds great”, then done nothing. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, it would seem that my body is making that practice a necessity. And ya know what? It feels great! No matter how I am feeling heading into that time on the tuchus, by the time my timer chimes, I feel a larger sense of spaciousness. As this practice is for all of 15-20 minutes, why would I resist? That is the million dollar question, though, isn’t it. Why do I resist? And particularly, why do I resist that which I would enjoy, and get the most out of, the most?

Along with the strict daily work-out routine I was at first attempting to employ, was this idea that I would go straight from flexing my muscles to flexing my mind at this beautiful private library I found in the FiDi of downtown SF. Ha! I am so glad those Minute Women (Ms. M, E, and D) talked some sense into me. Essentially, they recommended I take it slowly. Even though I set my sights on having the rough draft of my book finished by the end of the year, my health and recovery come first. They are supporting me in writing this damn blog once a week, and that seems to be enough of a hurdle for right now. Knowing that someone is backing me up and holding me accountable for my goals sure is great motivation for producing on a deadline! And even with all of this support, I have found myself procrastinating. The will it took to sit down, stay focussed, and start creating was unbelievable—yet, just like daily meditation, every time I complete a writing assignment, I feel washed clean. Funnily, I have been championing a good friend to share her gifts of Reiki drenched, organic food-based facials with the world, reassuring her that if she is consistent with her offerings, the word will spread and her business will grow to support her however she wants—but I, myself, have been unsuccessful in leading by example. Why should she trust me, when I haven’t been capable of producing results of my own?

My final current commitment is the Leadership team for Erwan Davon Teachings. It’s like the black ops training program for this school of self and sensuality. I love the trainings once I am there, they are always poignant, but in the lead up to the meeting, I question my involvement, the time required of me, and-at times—resist fully diving in to the assignments. Commitment is not supposed to be a “ball and chain”. When applied properly, commitment can be freedom. I discover more and more that it is my ambivalence that creates the pain and exhaustion I feel in regard to all of these things, and that to truly commit is to fall back on the freedom provided to be consistent.

Currently, my commitment to The Man is nowhere near ambivalent. He is the easiest, most pleasurable commitment I’ve ever made. But that does not mean it will always be this way. We are to make vows in front of God and everybody in just a few short months that will say something to the effect of, “for a long, long time ~ through good stuff, and bad”. That is no small statement. And I am sure that my commitment will be called into question at some point throughout our marriage (if even for just a second). When it does, as with all these other examples, I will be glad to have the support of friends with such strong integrity, and deep connection to their hearts—these Minute Women of The Bay.

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Six Young Lakota Warrior Women